A Letter to a Friend

Travel

Dearest Xangans,

I thought it was about time that I write an entry.  In a couple days I will one year away from thirty, and I have marked this month well with a lot of travels and time spent with the ones I love.

Life has overall been pretty good.  I count my blessings every day, and honestly this month has been about breathing more, and fretting less; sometimes it's difficult to find that inner peace admist all the chaos. 

I've travelled to London, Paris, and Miami this month and as much as I enjoy strolling foreign bricklaned streets, I do miss the comforts of home.  I believe I really do possess a wonderlust that few people understand unless they, too, have been on a jet plane to a foreign land only to fall in love with the unfamiliar, the charm of a being in a foreign land, surrounded by scenery that takes your breath away. 

Travelling allows me to let go of the invisible force that usually paralyses me--fear of the unknown and unfamiliar.  Whereas I once feared getting lost in an unfamiliar neighbourhood, I now embrace the sense of adventure of wandering down a strange new street.

I have been to all three places before, but somehow I have managed to fall in love all over again.  London for the buzz, the history, and oh the fashion envy.  Paris and the classic cliches that will always be iconic in my mind--from ham and cheese baguettes to wonderful parissienne pattiseries that serve the best croissants filled with chocolate and that something extra that seems to be missing from the ones back home.  And then Miami--where we first visited on our honeymoon last year after our cruise.  I feel I could live there--more laid back, and a lot more sunny.  I must have eaten 3000 calories/day this month, but somehow I burned all that energy snapping away, the world my oyster, my life a dream.

Dearest Xangans,

I'm slowly counting down to my vacations.  Things seem to keep turning from bad to worse at work, and I seriously feel it's time for a break. 

I've talked to my hubby and he thinks I should just ignore all the negatives that are beyond my control, but I admit it's hard.  We are severely understaffed right now because of the major cutbacks we're facing province wide, and everyone at work is feeling the pressure of performing our jobs with less resources and not enough staff.  Even my manager has seemed to throw in the towel and has been taking successive days off when we're already short staffed.  The last few weeks have been the most difficult and tiring since one of my colleagues called in sick the whole week.  It left me and one other person standing, and I have just been way too tired. 

I work in an industry where we cannot control the volume and workload from day to day, but the decisions are made so high up that these decision makers are so detached that they wouldn't know if the roof was falling down on us.  I'm sure everything is cyclical and all these things have happened before, but I suppose I am so young that this is a first for me. 

To add further stress I'm still in limbo--between two departments waiting for a permanent placement.  Although 99% people around me have accepted me in my new role my cautious side of me can't feel at ease with the uncertainty.  It's gotten a little more stressful in the past few months with the addition of 4 or 5 colleagues who have expressed interest in my job, and have made no secret of it.  As much as I shouldn't feel threatened I suppose, I can't help it that I do.  I have the added benefit of experience over these colleagues, but to me the game isn't over until one of us officially crosses the finish line; I've witnessed several colleagues who have been overconfident before--only to lose to a lesser/equal/greater competitor (depends on how you see it I guess). 

The only thing that keeps me going right now is that I truly love my job, and it adds more pressure on me to make sure I don't lose it.  I have been working really hard, putting in my 200% like I always have, but having been in the workforce for a while now I am no longer convinced that hard work is enough.  Work Politics is a complicated thing, and I feel less than equiped to deal with the lies, the manipulating, and the plotting that goes on.  I can't hide in my office because then my colleagues will question my secrecy when all I want sometimes is to be alone.

I know that one of the biggest factors I'm also dealing with right now is the major generational gap between the senior staff and people like me.  It's been really exciting moving up really fast, but not everyone will accept me in my role.  Even my manager was joking the other day about how I'm much too young, and even though I know he wasn't serious I was hurt by the words that came out of his mouth.  I replied about how maturity and competences is beyond a number but he threw back the whole "experience" card at me.  The reason I know he's half-joking is because he's the one who gave me the job, but it's not funny when one is faced with the "Doogie Howser" question on a regular basis: "Aren't you a bit too young to be a ______?".  I'm so tired of defending myself, and as much as I shouldn't "wish the years away" I sometimes wish I could be 50 and reaping the benefits of having the appearance of someone who supposedly deserves my job. 

I guess it's never easy for anyone--that's life.  I just feel a bit uneasy right now, not knowing where the road is headed.  As exciting as the Winter Olympics will be in a few months I think we're all holding our breaths, waiting for some kind of sign that things will be okay. 

Dearest Xangans,

I've been enjoying the peaceful serenity that ISN'T Xanga these past few weeks, and I must admit it has been nice.  This is not a stab at Xanga or the people here; sometimes I just need some space to clear my head. 

I swear I encountered my "quarter life crisis" two years ago, but lately life has been a bit of a roller coaster in my head.  Perhaps this time it's just a mini-crisis, but two weeks ago I was standing in a colleague's office and the room literally started spinnig around me.  I had to grab on to the desk because I felt I was going to faint, and I never experienced that in my life.  It's funny how there is a connection between the physical and psychological, and all I knew at that point was that the world was spinning way too fast.

Anyway--I feel I just need a break right now.  It's hard to describe what is bothering me, especially when I really don't have anything to complain about.  I am blessed with a lot of good things in life, but I feel something is missing and I can't put my finger on it (and no, it's not the sound of little feet pitter pattering). 

Melancholy

Dear Xangans,

I haven't had the heart to write much on my regular blog simply because I feel I really do have less and less to say lately.  It's good ol' elementary school advice, but if I have nothing nice to say then it's better to say nothing at all right?  I have become a mute.

I have attempted a brief departure from my usual negativity, but it's too damn hard.  Lately life has been stressful because a combination of all the viruses going around, and the fact I feel I can no longer trust the people I see five days a week.

I have finally recovered (knock on wood), but I was pretty sick for 3 weeks--so sick I even went to the clinic despite my distaste for long lineups and disinterested doctors.  After a long 2 1/2 hour long wait I got a nice doctor who felt my the sore glands on my neck, and told me I most likely had mono!  Seriously--isn't that the so-called "kissing disease" that plagued kids in highschool who participated in marginal behaviour?  Nevertheless there was not much I could do but suck it up and go back to work.

I have not worked out or had an alcoholic drink for a month now--it leaves me feeling quite not myself.  Not that I was a fitness freak or a drunkard, but everytime I get sick I realize how nice "normal" is.  Life could be worse, I suppose, and I have been dragging my sorry ass back to work everyday after catching a half hour of good ol' Christian programming before work.  One of my friends finds it humorous that I could possibly believe in God considering how disillusioned I am with the world, but to me it somehow all makes sense.  Despite the fact I am still bothered by the day when my Sunday school teacher explained the causal relationship between Eve's sins and the excruciating pain and burden of childbirth,  I feel I can accept that God exists, is listening, and will continue to keep me enlightened in light of all the pain and misery in this world. 

I try to remain strong despite the fact it feels sometimes the odds are against me.  How does one ask for support when the people you have come to trust let you down?  I suppose I was going through a "sensitive" state at work lately, but it truly feels like my peers are no longer the hardworking, loyal, and friendly folk that once welcomed me with open arms.  The honeymoon period is over.  Now all I see is lazy, bitter, and makes-me-want-to-puke fakeness.  I am starting to see the gossip, the backstabbing, and the manipulation that plagued the past departments, and all this has left me feeling so lost and disappointed.  I suppose life would not be as rewarding without its challenges, but it's hard to maintain a happy face when your so-called "friends" are anything but.  I suppose my coworkers have not done anything specific to hurt me, but have started to notice the closed doors gossip sessions, and negative comments when someone else's back is turned.  It makes me sick. 

I feel especially disappointed in myself because despite the warnings I had let my guard down around two people whom I had trusted to be my allies.  This is not a game of Big Brother or Survivor, but why does it feel like it is?  I don't want to generalize, but it often seems that men are ruled by rejection while women are ruled by jealousy.  Things are always "fine" until the script does not work out in their favour. 

One last thing: why do people feel the need to bring you down a notch?  Does it feel that good to make someone feel bad?   I better stop here because I feeling too melancholy tonight.  Perhaps more later.